"Rehab"

Fifty-three days since I've been a prisoner behind these walls.
I agreed to check myself in because I knew I needed to detox...get this out of my system....
For weeks I was open to change, and ready to embrace life...start all over...sober that is...
But this drug addiction...just too effin POWERFUL...

Check-in was hard...
Denial was my claim of fame at first..
Couldn't believe it had boiled down to this...
Wasn't willingly to accept it..
With time, I did, and fully started participating in the program..
But now..I don't know how much more I can take...

My story...been using for almost 3 years now...2 1/2 to be exact.
Fairly new at this drug game
Tempted before in the past, tried it once before, but I had no clue what I was doing.
Was too smart to fall in TOO deep..
That is until..October changed that all..

First time I got high...took me to levels of the unknown
Was a bit nervous at first
But once I felt the effect of the first hit, nothing else seemed to matter...
The world around me started to make sense...I was happy...whole..COMPLETE...FINALLY!
Nothing could keep me from being up in the clouds..
WHAT A DRUG....

Just to feel the rushing feeling entering my veins..ventricles...capillaries..
Last stop....brain...
PARALYZED me...
Damn..what a feeling!
Thoughts of it make my body tingle...
Snorted.......injected......tasted....was my method of usage
All I knew was this...MY WORLD...
LIVED and BREATHED this...
Overdosing...never a concern...
A risk I was willingly to take...

This addiction...so powerful...
This disease...mind consuming..
Withdrawals are a bitch...
Shivering....nausea.....stomach pains...headaches...hot flashes...tears....sweet dreams...
Nightmares...and more recently....mood swings...
Don't know how much more I can endure.
I'm ready to use...

I keep praying for strength, courage, wisdom, tolerance..
Most importantly...PATIENCE....
My faith..so much STRONGER then this disease.
Committed to change, but I'm withdrawing something SERIOUS...
Thoughts on overload...memories circulating my mind...
I don't want to start over...
HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP?!?!?!

Wish I knew the answer...
If there's one thing I know..it's that I need to get better..
Just seems like my addiction gets stronger and stronger with each passing day...

Rehab has been quite an experience thus far. My drug...different from my peers
Not even Dr. Drew can heal me...
One day at a time I keep telling myself...
Mind over matter
Until then..I lay low...until I have THIS all taken care of.
Reality...life's greatest lesson..

My name...Hopeless Romantic...My drug of choice...Him